Bush to Drill for Oil in Cute Little Baby Seals

Baby Thumper, shortly before the Vice President drove an oil derrick into his blubber-rich gut.

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- President Bush today announced a plan to expand oil drilling into Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Reserve, and into guts of the cute little baby seals therein.  

"Sure these little critters are cute, but seals got blubber, and blubber's got oil," said the President, holding aloft a baby seal to illustrate. "And that oil can make a difference in the lives of average Americans. Why, the oil from litte Thumper here can power a hot tub in Kennebunkport for an hour, a Jaguar XJS in Greenwich for 7 miles, or a liposuction vaccuum in Bel Air for almost an entire tummy tuck. This is real help for real Americans, for average Americans like you and me, only more like me."

"To Serve Seal -- It's a Cookbook!"

The President condemned what he called the "eco-extremists" who opposed his plan. "Some people might disagree with the idea of driving an oil derrick into the gut of little Thumper here. And that's just a difference of opinion." In a throwback to his campaign promise to be a "compassionate" conservative, he announced that the seals would be clubbed into comas before the the derricks were actually drilled.

Bush also noted that the seals served a dual purpose, describing such delicacies as seal jerky and seal rinds as, "scrum-dilly-icious!"

Cheney to Drive Effort

Bush announced that the effort would be driven by Vice President Cheney, a supplement to Cheney's existing work as chief of foreign policy, domestic policy, taxes, budgeting, education, military affairs, and all other presidential duties not related to throwing out first pitches at baseball games.

"As a long-time oil man, I know a thing or two about doing whatever you can to suck every last drop of oil out of the Earth," said Cheney. Pausing briefly for a fifth heart attack and subsequent defibrilation, Cheney continued. "And as a long-time hunter, I also know a thing or two about not flinching in the face of a cute little face. I can remain stoic as I fire off a few rounds, drive in that bowie knife, and twist it in every direction. Heck, I can even laugh."

Whitman to Kiss Ass

EPA Administrator Christie Whitman was informed of the new plan upon returning from a multi-state "save our seals" tour, in which she had strongly and repeatedly reiterated a Bush campaign pledge to keep the lovable animals from harm.

EPA Administrator and former Governor Christie Whitman: "Uh.... whatever he said."

The exceptionally capable, intelligent former Governor quickly and deftly switched into ass-kissing mode upon hearing of the new plan.  "When I said 'Save the Seals,' I didn't mean that our policy was to literally save their lives, but rather to save them for drilling -- kind of the way you might 'save' the second Twix bar for later. You're still going to eat it, right? It's just a different interpretation of the word 'save.'"  

Timing Uncertain

When reporters attempted to press Bush for a schedule for rolling out  the plan, they discovered that he had left the podium to keep a prior appointment with his 2pm nap.  

Who is the Bozo that Wrote this?

Note: Pages will open in a new browser window

External sites are not endorsed by CNN Interactive.